My mom brain is loaded with logistics and plan for everything plans. If you missed the last blog post, check out what it takes to achieve a morning at the pool with my kids. My thinking has become so strategic, so calculated, that I've actually lost the ability to determine what I want. I am so used to hashing out every possible scenario in my head and choosing what will work instead of what I want. For example, dinner out. I want a leisurely dinner out complete with wine and dessert and grown up food like salmon. But what will work is the Mexican restaurant where we order our food without looking at the menu, ask for the check when the food comes, the kids can be loud(ish), and I can put them in the car while I'm still chewing my last bite of burrito because time is up. It's just reality. As parents, we learn to think "what will work" instead of "what do I want". Because we have to. Because if we didn't, we'd end up with even more face palm moments than we already have.
But then, what's happened to me is that I can't decide what I want how when I do have the chance. I still think in terms of "what will work", when in reality, anything will work! I can have the freaking salmon. If. I. Want.
My husband just tried to let me choose what to do for our anniversary. And I almost couldn't do it. I couldn't let myself be simple. I couldn't answer what I wanted. I didn't even have that many choices, but I was frozen. I was mom-alyzing the decision instead of just picking what I wanted. I was so used to pushing aside what I wanted in favor of what works that I had no idea how to just pick what I wanted. I needed the strategic planning. It's how my brain works now. So I had to slow way way down and make a grand effort to stop thinking and just let myself choose what I wanted. And it felt really good.
So, henceforth, I will officially be working out my "what do I want muscle" whenever possible. I'm starting in little league. Not "what do I want for my life" or "what do I want my legacy to be". I'm starting with fun. What do I want to do for fun? I want to relearn how to play. My way. I just want to retrain myself to know what I want, let myself be ok with wanting it and actually having it. I'm talking simple stuff. Like trying kayaking. Or reading a fiction book. Easy does it at this point, ladies. It's back to basics for me.
Now, I'm the shiz at pretend play, storytelling, and fun with my kids. I know how to have fun with them. I exercise my "what do my kids want muscle" on the regular. It's fit and toned and ready for action. And when it comes to myself, I accept that "what will work" will still win most of the time because I have two tiny humans. Period. Plain and simple. But sometimes, I do get the chance to pick what I really want. And I'm going to be ready. Because knowing what we want seems simple, but if we don't ask ourselves often enough AND let ourselves have it, then our "what do I want muscle" atrophies and it won't work any more. So just sometimes, I'm getting a babysitter and getting the freaking salmon. It will work. If. I Want.
It's like The Cat in the Hat says, "It's fun to have fun, but you have to know how."