making peace with the unknown

Looking over the marsh drinking my mango tea alone, I felt the weight of my restlessness and impatience. I sat in the discomfort and made peace with the unknown, choosing joy and freedom over discontentment and insecurity

Vision. Purpose. Goals. Go. Go. Go. How will you ever get what you want without vision, purpose, and goal setting? Set your eyes on the prize and you can achieve anything, right? 
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What about when you don't have a vision, when you're unsure of your purpose, when you just can't articulate goals? You ask yourself, "What do I want?", but can't form an answer. You are tired and weary, and your sense of identity and purpose are becoming blurry, even dissipating all together. You ask God for answers, but only hear silence. Have you been there? I have. 

Here's a journal entry from just a few months ago: 
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I'm sitting alone drinking iced mango tea and looking out over the marsh. Raines is with a babysitter for a couple of hours and I find myself how unsure how to be alone. I'm rushing through what I ordered and actually picked up my phone to take a picture of my peaceful scene to post on Instagram, but thought better of it and put it away. I'm restless. Sometimes I feel jealous of Jordan and all he has going on. Why can he "have it all", but I can't? Sometimes I feel like I do have it all and other times I feel so lonely. How do I make myself useful? How do I use my talents? Do I even have any talents any more? I feel lost and overlooked. Invisible and unimportant. Like a mom I guess. I keep telling myself that this is just a season of life - to enjoy my babies and thank God to be home with them. It will go by in a flash. 

And I do thank God for my time at home, for being able to love on my babies from the moment they wake up until I kiss them goodnight. My heart explodes into a million pieces a hundred times a day. I just struggle to feel valid to anyone besides my children, even my husband. It's not easy to feel like the only one who notices me is not even 3 feel tall and can't talk much. Doesn't everyone want to feel important in this world? I'm sure this is a struggle every stay at home mom has faced, but it doesn't make it any less real or difficult to go through. 

Ever since we came here (SSI), I have felt this great sense of calling; we are here for a reason. My soul longs for answers, but none come. I keep hearing "Now is not the time. Be patient and look to your family now." I try to take comfort in this message from God, but I'm learning that patience, real patience, waiting for something unidentified, a promise of something I can't imagine, is very very hard for me. Just like having a few hours today of down time is hard for me. 

I think there is a future for me beyond motherhood. I just have no idea what it will look like. In the mean time, though, I must try to stay focused on the sweet, fleeting moments with my most important calling, my children.

I wrote this entry about 2 months before my second child was born. I felt restless. Called into motherhood, but also called into something else, something unknown. My sense of identity and purpose were waning, and I looked to God for answers. My answer was "Wait, you're not ready yet. You need to be where you are." That day, looking over the marsh drinking my mango tea alone, I felt the weight of my restlessness and impatience. I knew I needed to rest in the discomfort and made peace with the unknown, choosing joy and freedom over discontentment and insecurity. About a month after this journal entry (and two years of hearing "wait" from God), the vision for Sparks of Joy was laid on my heart.

In my time of waiting, God taught me about myself. He revealed my gifts, opened my eyes to my opportunities to grow, guided me to find contentment with what I have, and brought people into my life who encouraged me and directed me towards Sparks of Joy. Today, my vision is becoming clearer, my sense of purpose stronger, and my goals are becoming more concrete, but I am still resting in the unknown, trusting that God's timing is perfect.

If you are in an uncertain time, feeling restless and hearing silence from the Lord, take comfort. You are where you are meant to be. Rest and learn and give yourself a break. It is ok to not know where you are headed. When the time is right, you will know. Pray for patience to take the right steps, and to not rush to just take the next steps. You need only listen and make yourself available to the vision that will be laid on your heart in God's perfect timing.